I have made big mistakes and small mistakes in my life, I haven't stopped, yet. The big mistakes were still eating at me until recently, but the only real differences are the amount of time it takes to change (repent), and the things I need to do to make restitution. Each one is disobedience and each one, without repentance, keeps me from attaining the Kingdom of God. “No unclean thing can enter his kingdom” (3 Nephi 27:19) and “For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance.” (Doctrine and Covenants 1:31) One reason I kept holding onto my big mistakes was because I was unsure that the process of repentance was complete, even though I have felt forgiven many times. Another reason was the belief that I should have been better than that in the first place.
I should have been stronger and smarter. But who says? Me? My Mom? My leaders? My friends? Yes, to all of the above, but what other people think of me is none of my business, so I'll concentrate on me. Did I expect to be perfect? Did I think I would get through life without any crimson marks on me? Did I think I was like unto Jesus Christ? The answer is no, but... I have held myself to a higher standard throughout my life than I would ever hold anyone else to. But why? Because I'm better, because I know more, because I'm stronger? Of course not, but maybe I thought I should be. The reality is I'm NOT AND I WASN'T then. I made mistakes that I should have known better and have been better. Only I wasn't.
I have had an epiphany in the past few weeks, with the help of sacrament talks, young women lessons (I'm a leader), and stake conference talks. My epiphany is this, I did not come to earth to live a perfect life. (That shouldn't be new information). Only one person was called upon to do that. I was sent here to learn and grow so I can eventually, and I mean EVENTUALLY, reach perfection. Does this excuse me from my sins? No! It means I need to learn from them, repent and forsake them, and learn what led to the mistakes I made (fear of man, selfishness, laziness, pleasures of the flesh, etc.) so I can change that. It means once I have figured out what led to the sin, or the root cause, and have started to work on being better, I need to let go and forgive myself. I am not perfect, yet, and that is okay.
Another lesson I have learned is that
Jesus Christ came and suffered for me and my sins and everyone's sins
who have ever lived. I do not cause Him more pain by making many or
“bigger” mistakes, He has already suffered it, I do not cause Him
less Pain by making fewer or “smaller” mistakes, HE ALREADY
SUFFERED IT ALL. I save myself a lot of pain and suffering if I can
be obedient, and when I can't or won't, I have an opportunity to
learn, grow, and become better. I have an opportunity to come unto
Him and feel of His great love for me and His mercy.
There is a story in the Bible that has
always troubled me and I think I am starting to figure it out. Jesus
is eating with publicans and sinners, the scribes and Pharisees see
him, and become offended that He would be doing such a thing. They
ask His disciples why would he spend time with such dross. He hears
them and answers “..
They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are
sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”
Mark 2:17
When
I read this, I always think 'aren't we all sinners or sick and need
repentance and
the
physician?'
The answer is yes. However, a physician cannot heal if the sick do
not believe they need to be healed, or if they do not believe the
physician
has power to do so.
Jesus
wasn't telling the Pharisees that they were good, or perfect even, and
that they didn't need Him. He understood that they were in denial of
the sickness they were suffering from. He understood that they did
not have faith in His power and ability to heal them.
Jesus
Christ came to earth to show us the way, and provide us sinners a way
back to our Heavenly Father. We came to earth to learn, grow, and
become like Him as we accept Him as our physician, our SAVIOR. That is my job, not to worry about the past and
how many times I have chosen evil over good, which
was expected of me sometimes
(that
is why Christ came).
I need to let that go and focus on coming unto and
becoming
like my Savior and Redeemer. I need to stop beating myself up and
move on. So
I haven't been as good here as I hoped I would be. It
isn't over yet, I
can become
better and better as
I work at growing and changing, and that IS
all that is
expected
of me and
all of us.
Elder
Jeffery
R Holland said
“So
be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of
[others]... Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son,
imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with....” In the
name of Jesus Christ Amen.
