Trials and tribulations are subjects that have been on my mind quite a lot lately, especially as I see family and friends having to go through them. I have often felt my own life has been pretty bumped and bruised free I wouldn't say easy, but relatively trial free. And as I have thought and pondered on this (not too long because God usually grants you what you ask for, I really don't want trials and tribulations brought down on my head) I wondered if it's because I'm not worth the refiners fire or am not strong enough to handle as much as other people. If you stop reading now because I sound like a spoiled child you'll miss that I am totally wrong nor has life been easy or trial free for me, just bear with my craziness for a moment. I felt that my life was relatively trial free as I compared my hardships to those around me. But as I look back on what I feel now weren't very hard trials the fact of the matter is they were really hard times just different than what others are experiencing. That is the way it is supposed to be though. We are all different so the same trials wouldn't help one like it does another. Just like disciplining children, I have 5 and have to discipline 5 different ways.
So for my benefit I wanted to write about the hardest time in my life. I guess it's easy to forget how hard this time period was because so much time has gone by. But one thing I can not forget is what this hard time has turned me into nor would I wish to undo that.
I will start in August of 1988, I was 12 years old, I was in the sixth grade had a best friend 2 houses down, had been in the Young Women group in my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, since January. Life was pretty good. Well I can't remember the exact day but in this month my Grandmother (my mother's mom) died. I didn't really feel much of anything at first. It wasn't really real to me. Then we went to the funeral and you know the viewing for family right before the funeral well we were at that saying our last goodbyes. I'm not sure I had really shed many tears yet. We were gathered around her casket and it was time to start the funeral so we all said goodbye and they closed the casket. I started crying uncontrollably. I could not stop in one moment just closing the lid on her made death so real and it felt so final and I could not stop crying. We were sitting in the funeral and I was bawling and my Aunt got up to sing a song I can't remember the song or if there were other people singing with her, but as is usually the case in our hardest times, I felt the Holy Ghost so strongly telling me it's ok and it's not the end. I had such peace and love swarm over me that just as abruptly as my crying started, it ended. I stopped crying and knew I would see her again and she was happier where she was. I will never forget that experience.
Well life got back to normal after a little while. It usually has a way of doing that. So fast forward to May of 1989 about 8 months later. It is May 2nd a Tuesday afternoon around 4 pm. My memory is much more clear on this one, you'll understand why in a minute. I am working on a Thirteen page paper for 7th grade English class, a page for each year of my life. I am now thirteen years old. My sister runs in the house and sends me to get my grandfather because my father is passed out on the lawn. My father is a diabetic and if his bloodsugar gets too low this can happen. It wasn't anything completely new. I figured he needed some sugar. So I ran to my Grandparents house (my father's parents who lived right behind our house) and got my grandpa. My Dad had been sweeping out our van so he was laying on the front lawn. He was being taken care of so I went back to my paper which I had just started and which was due the next day. I had young womens that night and had to get it done or mostly done before then. Here the memory starts to fade a bit I don't know exactly all that happened in this short time frame. I hadn't been working on my paper again for long when things got really crazy. An ambulance was called, my oldest brother was doing CPR, we called my mom at school (she was a teacher) and told her to meet the ambulance with Dad at the hospital. My brother just older than me started acting really crazy, running around, panicking, talking really fast. We ended up having to get him medicine to calm him down. Because of the ambulance there were neighbors all over our yard and in our house helping in anyway they could. My oldest brother who had been doing CPR had taken off once the ambulance had left to head to St. George (about a 20 minute drive) where the nearest hospital was. We found out later he had ran to the next town Laverkin about 4 miles to visit a friends grave who had recently died. We got a call later that evening maybe 6:00 pm I can't remember for sure that we could come to the hospital. I thought that meant he was ok they had got him stabilized and had him in a room where we were aloud to go visit him. My grandpa's brother I think is the one that drove us over to the hospital. We (I think all the kids were there my oldest brother might have been gone still) walk in the front doors and someone says he's gone. I yelled out “no” and burst into tears. I really thought he was ok that we were just going to visit him in his hospital room. I had actually thought on the way over 'if he dies I don't have to turn in my paper' (please don't judge I can't tell you how that thought has haunted me over the years). But I truly thought he was going to be ok. The week went by in a haze and we had his funeral ( He was a school teacher as well and loved by many people the school closed for his funeral ) it was on a Friday. Life kind of passed after that in a haze. Things never really got back to normal, how could they when you lose a parent. My mom had us go to counseling to talk about our feelings and things. I remember going but don't remember much about what was said by myself or others.
Days and months past and in October of this (1989) year my brother left on his mission to Guatemala. So our oldest brother, the new man of the house was gone. My grandpa who lived next door sort of filled that role as best he could, he gave us all blessings at the MTC before my brother left. They lived so close we could always run to him and my grandma for anything.
Flash forward 7 more months and it was a year now that my Dad had been dead. Things had a new normal we were surviving some better than others and then on May 16th I am at school at P.E. Playing softball with my class I am in line to bat and I see my older sister and my brother just older than I pull up. They roll down the window and I start to tease them about sluffing High school and then I see their faces. All of a sudden I know why they are there and I just start crying. They tell me I need to get in the car and we need to go home. My Grandfather who lived next door just died. I remember someone in my family saying to God “Why don't you just take the whole damn family” pardon my language but this is the state we were in at the time. Not even close to healed wounds were ripped open again and it was hard, life was sad. I remember for weeks and months after being worried that once again I would be pulled out of school with the news my Grandmother had died. Luckily that didn't happen and wounds healed and the people, the family members were missed but not forgotten. There was hope. Never had the resurrection mattered so much to me then it did at this time. I knew I would see all of my loved ones especially my father again.
I'm sorry if this made you feel unconfortable or if it made you feel sorry for me. It was for my benefit that I wrote all of this down. I have been through a little refining fire in my life. I am worth refining and I am strong enough to make it through hard things just like we all are. Do I feel like I passed my test with flying colors? Did I do everything right during these hard times? No way, I stumbled, I fell. But I emerged better than before with more faith in my Savior Jesus Christ and in His atoning sacrifice, and for me that is what counts.
Now that it has been over 20 years I can see the benefit of the trials and tribulations I went through. This may sound terrible but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am who I am because of these things I have learned so much and changed so much that I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for sending me tests to make me who he wants me to be. I am not there of course far from it. Lots more growing and changing to come and hopefully with the next batch of struggles I can turn to Him for help and make the right choices through it all and be better once again for having gone through it.
Now I feel I should clarify that I wrote about the hardest time in my life. Please don't think that I've only had this one trial 20+ years ago and nothing since. There have been other trials some so personal I wouldn't share in a blog nor in a personal journal that one day others might see. I've learned and have grown so much from those experiences as well. One particular trial has taught me humility, patience, forgiveness, charity. All lessons I am grateful for and though I would not do anything different I still can't say with the same confidence that I could about my other trial that I wouldn't have it any other way. I think that perspective comes after many years of seeing the benefits of the trial which amount of time has not passed yet. I do have faith that I will get to that point, all suffering and hard times we go through if handled with faith patience, and love for Heavenly Father and with a desire for his will to be done in our lives, will be consecrated for our good and rewards will be given to us in the eternities.
I think it's so important not to look at others and think they have it easy or they have it so hard. We don't know what has happened in others lives or what is to come. We don't know the faith building experiences and the growth taking place in those that are struggling. Everyone goes through hard times of course not all at the same time. That would be a lot of work for the angels in Heaven to have to lift up and comfort all of God's children at the same time. So the needs are spread out so we can be each others angels and help and boost each other during our hardest times. In the name of Jesus Christ amen.
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